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Crunch and Chocula: A Treatise
During the Age of Cereal, two phenomenal thinkers appeared on thescene, capturing the minds and hearts of Epicureans, Nihilists andPolitical Realists alike: Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch and theCount of Chocula. Their profound contributions to Neo–Platonism areexceeded only by Anthony of Tigris and Sir Rabbit Trix.
Critics agree that Captain Crunch far surpasses Count Chocula inpreference and popularity. This is not surprising. The Captain hasenjoyed a much longer reign among those in respected Saturday morningcartoon circles, thus becoming a revered icon in Post–Modern society.And while the Count embraces a distinctive Eastern–Europeandidacticism, the "Cap'n" is fondly recognized as a daring adventurer.
One is reminded of the great Captains in history: Captain Cook, famednavigator and cartographer who sought the elusive Northwest Passage;Captain Ahab, hearty commander of the illustrious whalingship "Pequod"; and Captain Spaulding, African explorer who once shotan elephant in his pajamas, afterwards exclaiming, "How he got in mypajamas, I don't know."
Captain Crunch, however, did not follow the path of these esteemedsea–faring explorers. Rather, his flagship, the Good Ship Guppy, isactually a metaphor for his controversial Quaker Oats Theorem, whichproved that the square on the hypotenuse of a right–angled triangleis equal to the sum of the squares in a box of Mini Wheats.
This unprecedented discovery created quite a sensation among hiscolleagues, most notably French philosopher Jean LaFoote, who, it isrumored, attempted to purloin Crunch's ideas and pass them off as hisown. Nevertheless, the Captain continues to devote his life toexpounding the tenets of 21st–century Absolutism as it relates to theFroot Loops Paradox.
The Count of Chocula has his admirers as well. Despite his socialistleanings and pervasive Marxist views, the Count is of royal birth andhighly regarded. True, his use of chocolate flavoring alienates theBourgeoisie, yet his understanding of Nietzsche's "Superman" securelyestablishes his place in the world of General Mills.
Chocula is best–known for his acclaimed tome "Critique of PureMarshmallows." He argued that marshmallows in breakfast cereal shouldbe tasteless and of jaw–breaker strength. He referred to the cerealeater as a "Noble Savage," a term that describes the way a childreacts to the parental admonition to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Disregarding rationalism and the scientific method, Chocula proposedthe existence of a Supreme Being, also known as Hanna–Barbera. Hebelieves in the immortality of the soul, yet is a strict adherent ofExistentialism. Some would say the two were dichotomous, but Choculais impervious to criticism, especially by his few detractors who aresimply jealous of his dramatic chocolate cape.
His disciples, inspired by Chocula's analysis of the Sugar SmacksParadigm, formed their own society promoting the Count's philosophy.In fact, his protégée, Franken Berry, went on to become anadvertising copywriter at Kellogg's of Battle Creek.
In conclusion, allow me to simplify the Crunch/Chocula dynamic withprimitive generalizations:
Crunch: Hummer
Chocula: Prius
Crunch: Elvis
Chocula: Beatles
Crunch: Texas Hold `Em
Chocula: Pinochle
Crunch: Betty
Chocula: Veronica
Crunch: Steak & potatoes
Chocula: Baked salmon & asparagus spears
Crunch: "Perry Mason"
Chocula: "Boston Legal"
Crunch: Milk
Chocula: Milk
©Luana Krause
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Luana Krause is a copywriter from Wyoming. She also writes comedy sketches and performs for a church drama group. When she's not writing, you'll find her watching Bugs Bunny cartoons, Marx Brothers films and the History Channel. Her dream job is to be head writer for the Alan Brady Show.
She's an avid reader; everything from Shakespeare to Dilbert. Her favorite stand up comedians are Woody Allen and Bob Hope. Hobbies and interests include playing piano, singing, running, fishing, hiking, music (particularly jazz), photography, languages, acting, puppetry, art and movies. She's also a history buff with emphasis on World War II. Someday she would like to learn to play the cello, speak French and Italian, and juggle.
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