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A Very Serious Submission
I demand that you choose my entry to win your contest. It will be following this letter in the next few days, as soon as I have written it. I'm sure that you must receive many demands, but please take a moment to consider why my entry deserves your attention. I'm sure that you will properly bribe and/or threaten your judges to that end.
My reasons are thus:
1) I bet my friend that I could win your contest. (I'm willing to split the proceeds with you, which will come to $2.11 after I subtract the for the cost of the additional 39 cent stamp so I can mail it to you)
2) I have lovely handwriting. Please do your best to make sure that the readers are clear about that before you type it into a word document. I look forward to seeing it typed.
3) I have already won many contests, and done so in alphabetic order. So far I have trophies for Archery, Boatmanship (Which I lovingly refer to as Shipmanboat), Cooking, Driving, Eating, Foraging, Grappling (I was drunk and had my arm in a cast at the time), Honeymooning, Inspirational Video Production, Jamboreeing, Kitchen Demolition, Log Rolling, Marsupial Identification, Nitpicking, Obsessive Behavior, Pilgriming, Quiet Time, Rampaging, Snoopyness, Teetotaling, Umbrella Spinning, and Voyage–Se–Qua (A French contest awarding the person who traveled the least distance to compete). As you can see, I am currently on "W", and since I am banned from all categories of Wine Tasting, I have turned to Writing to secure the next notch in my belt. It is essential that you move up the deadline for your contest so that I can receive my award prior to the start of the annual X–Ray Vision competitions this spring. Two weeks should be ample, providing you judge me the winner within 24 hours of the submission deadline.
4) My mother always wanted me to be a writer. When I win your contest, I'll be able to throw the trophy through her front window with a note that says "There! Are you happy now?"
I hope that you are thoroughly convinced that my submission will merit your award. If not, please feel free to call me. My number is in the book. You could also try writing me a letter, but even if I did read it, I would probably not write back to you, as I feel a case of writer's block coming on. Do you know what I mean? It starts with a tickle in the back of your throat and then turns into dizziness and lockjaw of the knuckles.
Please hold for a moment as I spin in my chair for a few minutes.
Okay. I am back, and you can keep reading, now.
Well, that's about all I have to say on the subject. Sorry to make you keep reading on when I was actually already finished.
Sincerely,
Chaterham Sinclair Hemmingstance III
©Lawson Alan
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Lawson Alan is a published author whose works include humorous fillers and features for several magazines. He has just been picked up by .d Magazine as a staff writer and hopes to help them, someday, to be able to afford a larger 'd ." The big news in his life right now is his new novel, Lunch With God. This is a humor/adventure about a New Jersey musician who battles Satan, with a little help from the comedy team Moses and Costello.
Check out the reviews and latest news here: Click HERE.
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